Oh my word! Last night saw a mass emotional burn out from me. I’ve been doing so well this week too. Mentally I have been on a high, physically though I don’t think I have ever been in as much pain.
Saturday started out like any other, the girls were at their Dad’s and the home was quiet and peaceful. Mark and I took Misty for a lovely walk out on the nearby marshes (less than a mile, I actually listened to my body) collecting some new geocaches along the way. Followed by a relaxed afternoon and generally didn’t do much at all.
Then this evening a normal conversation between Mark & his son sparked some really illogical reasoning in my head. I began to feel very guilty that I wasn’t doing right by my girls, that I wasn’t providing for them. That I was letting them down by not working and having to rely on them and Mark to help me out around the home. But at the same time I was telling myself to stop being ridiculous, I haven’t chosen to be unwell and that I am doing everything I can for my babies.
This all quickly transpired into a big wet snotty mess and I then felt like it was all total chaos and completely out of my control.
As I sat discussing the myriad of illogical emotions with Mark and my eldest I began to calm & relax. We sat in my sanctuary (our bedroom, it is the calmest, warmest and most comfortable place in the house) talking and crying for over an hour. The tiredness swept over me and the screaming pain increased. Just letting go of all my pent up thoughts, illogical as they all were, wiped me out totally and I spent the rest of the evening curled up among my pillows, chilling out.
Emotionally I do feel better, it’s so nice to actually let it all out with those I love rather than protect them from my hidden demons. I just feel a little gutted that I missed out on a mid-year Christmas barbeque with our geocaching family, but I do recognise that this is what I needed to do for my own sanity.
Oh and by the way, today is Fibromyalgia Awareness day (so glad I didn’t hit the publish button last night) so please spread the word. Not enough is known about this illness and it is still a hard battle trying to get it recognised as an illness. Believe me I know! The general attitude is “if you can’t see it then it’s obviously not there”.