Chronic pain & extreme fatigue is like an onion. It has many layers. One of those layers is unstable emotions.
Life throws us many challenges which we have to learn to deal with in many ways. It could be learning from repeated mistakes. It could be teaching us how to cope with a variety of different situations. But no matter what it is there are times when you feel that you just don’t have the mental or physical energy to even bother.
My doctor encourages me to write this blog as a means of getting all my fears, thoughts (both negative and positive), dreams, hopes and aspirations out of my head rather than sitting quietly stewing over everything that niggles and eats away in my mind.
You see when I don’t write it all down, my brain goes 19 to the dozen, at night lying in bed waiting for sleep to take me. Then when I do eventually drop off my subconscious takes over and more often than not it will still be mulling over every last thought I’ve had that day; week; month or even year. Leaving me totally exhausted and unrested eight to ten hours later!
Now the important thing about the whole experience of writing down my highs and lows is that I do tend to write when something really is bothering me. But it gets saved as a draft for me to look at the following day. Once I’ve had a chance to calm down (again positive and negative) I’ll spend a good few hours reading through my thoughts. Carefully changing and editing as I go. Some I keep and some I delete never to be seen again. Some of my post ideas get thought about and written over several days, none are ever spur of the moment (more haste, less speed!). All in the name of warding off depression (or so my gp tells me).
And it works. It really does. Talking out loud about how different scenarios affect me in different ways. Discussing aloud how I analyse a situation helps me to understand myself better and helps me with learning new ways to interact with people. By writing it down and then re-reading it many hours later helps me to clear my mind, and to learn what a particular feeling or emotion, activity or situation does to me on a variety of levels. It really is a valuable tool to some partial type of recovery. I certainly don’t want to be a person that keeps everything inside, quiet and festering until I can take it no longer and explode like a firework. Can you just imagine the damage that could cause? I don’t want to imagine it. (That just caused me to lose my train of thought completely!)
I guess what I’m trying to say is that this is me, you can read into me as much as you want to, but what you see is what you get. My words may hurt someone, my words may help someone, they do both to me you know. Many times I’ve sat and cried reading my words back to myself before publishing a post. I suppose that’s why a regular blog session spans about four hours.
I am emotional, I am physically and mentally exhausted all the time. Little things like not being able to lift a kettle or going in to the dishwasher for a pint of milk, or shooing the pup off the vegetable plot for another time do fill my eyes with tears and gives me a heavy heart. I can’t help that immediate response but what I can do is write about it and analyse it to understand why it happened, why I felt the way I did when it happened, how I can learn from that or prevent that effect (negative) from happening again or how to recreate an effect (positive) when I need to.
So yes, I write and I share for the whole world to see (well the odd few of you who like to check in from time to time) but I do it for me and my mental wellbeing, I do it to clear my mind so I can concentrate on the important things like what my children have been up to this week.